


Daemons and Self Discovery

by Catheeso



Category: CJMind, His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: Alternate Universe - Daemons, Daemons, Gen, Trans Male Character, kinda a vent?, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:34:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24142915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catheeso/pseuds/Catheeso
Summary: WARNING: this a vent! It also has a brief mention of cutting.”Am I broken? Is Iris okay?” Chloe asked.Dr. Graze pursed her lips sympathetically and started to pet her daemon cat.“Everybody else’s is starting to settle. Kaia’s is a wolf. Bre’s is a bumblebee. Chloee’s is a chinchilla. Kali’s is a hawk. Why hasn’t Iris settled? It hurts.”Dr. Graze looked down at her daemon and said nothing.
Kudos: 3





	Daemons and Self Discovery

**Author's Note:**

> Kind of added my own head canon? Basically, the worse you feel about yourself the harder it is for your daemon to settle. Like I said, personal head canon.

Chloe liked her daemon. Iris was fun, always shifting. One moment she would be a tiger, the king of the forest, the next she would be a simple mouse. Chloe didn’t want Iris to settle, thought that it would be boring. 

Jaiden’s daemon had already settled, which was to be expected, of course. Jaiden was twelve when Pygmalion settled into a weasel. Iris was disappointed, she had always liked having shifting games with Pygmalion, trying to see who would become the bigger animal.

“How does it feel to have your daemon to settle?” Chloe had asked, Iris sitting as a muskrat next to Pygmalion.

Jaiden had smiled at her, “safe.”

~~~

Madison’s daemon had settled early and she liked to boast constantly. Marillo followed her around and puffed out his chest whenever Madison showed him off. Everybody wanted a lion daemon, and Madison got one.

“I don’t like Marillo,” Iris meowed, taking the form of a tabby cat. Chloe scratched Iris’s ears and frowned.

“I don’t like Marillo either.”

~~~

Dimitri growled, looking very annoyed at Iris pecked at him, currently in the form of a snowy owl. Mom sat right next to her daemon, working on something on her computer. Chloe sat on the other side of the table, tracing imaginary shapes onto the table. Alexa sat next to her, talking to Mom about Missy and how she had finally settled.

“A red panda! I can’t believe it!” Alexa exclaimed, cuddling Missy who looked very pleased with the attention.

Mom smiled and pet Dimitri’s head, the beagle daemon shoving his head into her hand.

“Much better than a rattlesnake,” Chloe agreed. Alexa snickered at the jab at Kris, Dylan’s daemon. 

“Oh hush, don’t insult somebody else’s daemon. They can’t control what their daemons settle on.

“I wouldn’t want to be a rattlesnake,” Missy said, turning her head up in disgust. Alexa cooed and pet Missy more fiercely. Iris looked up and flew over to Chloe before taking the form of a chinchilla.

“I can be cute, too!” She purred, snuggling into the hood of Chloe’s red jacket.

~~~

More and more daemons started to settle as Chloe got older. Kids got more sure of themselves and their daemons, if they didn’t settle, stayed in one form for longer. Meanwhile, Iris seemed to change a lot faster and couldn’t hold one form for longer than a few hours.

“I hate this,” Chloe whispered as Iris shifted from a small beagle to a wolf spider.

“Do you hate me?” Iris asked, scuttling up Chloe’s arm and settling on her shoulder. Iris had only been a beagle for thirty minutes before she was forced to change.

“Of course not,” Chloe reassured, “I just wish people would stop staring.”

It was true, they were getting stares around the lunchroom as kids asked each other why her daemon was shifting so fast. Miriam and Shawn looked sadly at each other before trying to keep talking to Chloe. 

Ulona had already settled into a common mouse, one Miriam and Chloe had teased Shawn relentlessly about, while Miriam’s daemon, Christopher, seemed to be able to stay in one form for days on ends. Christopher once stayed as a bear for a week before turning into a bee.

Chloe felt frustrated with herself. Not with Iris, never with Iris, but she felt like it was her fault that Iris hadn’t settled. Like it was something she was lacking.

“Your daemon will settle eventually, just be patient,” Ms. Marissa had told her, her rabbit daemon sitting next to her. 

Easy for you to say, Chloe thought as she thought about the cuts on her wrists.

~~~

“Do you want your daemon to settle?” Chloe asked as she leaned on Kaia. Kaia hummed, watching as their daemons tried to out-shift each other.

Chloe took that as a maybe.

~~~

Chloee wrinkled her nose as Iris shifted into an otter. Chloe caught it out of the corner of her (their?) eye and didn’t even try to hide how much it hurt. Chloee was one of her only friends and she constantly belittled both Chloe and Iris for not having settled. Her chinchilla daemon, Jarvi, sat on her shoulder and looked at Iris with similar disdain.

Iris was getting worse and Chloe couldn’t figure out what was going on. She couldn’t hold forms for more than an hour now, shifting every couple minutes.

“It’s starting to hurt,” Iris confessed as she shifted into a peacock. “Trying to stay in the same form for more than a couple minutes.”

“I know, Iris,” Chloe felt tears well up in her eyes. “I feel it, too.”

~~~

“Am I broken? Is Iris okay?” Chloe asked.

Dr. Graze pursed her lips sympathetically and started to pet her daemon cat.

“Everybody else’s is starting to settle. Kaia’s is a wolf. Bre’s is a bumblebee. Chloee’s is a chinchilla. Kali’s is a hawk. Why hasn’t Iris settled? It hurts.”

Dr. Graze looked down at her daemon and said nothing.

~~~

Chloe stood in front of the bathroom mirror, clutching a pair of scissors so hard it almost hurt. Iris sat next to him, taking the form of a mole. The bathroom was locked shut and Chloe, with shaking hands, started to cut his hair.

~~~

They timed it with a stopwatch. Chloe’s short hair was sloppily cut, but it felt better than it had ever felt before. 

Iris shifted into a fox and sat down on the bed in front of Chloe.

One minute.

“Connor?” Iris suggested. Chloe shook his head.

Two minutes.

“Caleb?” Iris tried again. Chloe shook his head faster and snickered at the idea of him being named Caleb.

Three minutes.

“Simon?” 

“No, I wanna stick with the C theme,” Chloe said, shifting where he was sitting on the bed.

Four minutes.

“Cameron?” Chloe tried. Iris flattened her ears and stuck out her tongue. Chloe took this as a no.

Five minutes.

“Let’s see,” Chloe muttered, looking through his phone at the list of names. “Charles, Christian, Cody, Cooper...”

Iris abruptly shifted at the six-minute and twenty-seven-second mark and Chloe looked up sharply. His mouth hung open in shock.

It wasn’t an impressive form, not by a long shot, but it felt right. It felt so right for some stupid reason. Iris looked over herself in curiosity. 

Chloe looked back to his phone where he had been just about to say a name he’d seen. 

“Chloe?” Iris asked hesitantly.

“Carter,” Chloe - no, Carter - said. “My name is Carter.”

Iris straightened with interest before flying onto his shoulder and snuggling up to him. Carter giggled and put his phone down, taking her off his shoulder and admiring her in his hands. She preened under the unhidden admiration Carter was showing her.

It was so simple, but it worked so well. Iris flapped her wings lightly, showing off her glossy black feathers.

A blackbird. They were so simple, all-black body with a yellow beak, but Iris pulled it off. Carter loved it. 

“Carter,” Iris said like she was testing the water. “I like it. Carter.”

Carter laughed wholeheartedly and held her close.

~~~

“So, I see that Iris finally settled,” Dr. Graze said with a gentle smile. Carter nodded and scratched Iris’s neck, his daemon leaning into the touch.

“Yeah, she did.”

“Does it have anything to do with your new haircut, Chloe?” Dr. Graze asked.

“Carter,” Carter corrected. Dr. Graze raised her eyebrows.

“My name is Carter.”


End file.
